Why did it feel so wrong?
by Natta
Summary: Set during the bit where Beka's possessed by the abyss. Weird little BH ficlet.


"Beka, I…" he trailed off, unsure how to say what needed to be said. She gave him that glare that had recently replaced the warm looks she used to give him. He didn't understand it, but he knew when it had started. With Tyr. What had happened to her there, what had happened to change her so much?

"What?" she snapped, getting back to whatever she was doing. Harper swallowed, trying to collect himself.

"Beka, I…I need to talk to you." She gave a small cynical giggle. Her smile didn't look…right. "I've been…I just…" He couldn't stop stuttering, and he knew her patience with him was wearing off. If she even had any in the first place. "I need to know, Beka. What happened? It's like you're pissed off with everyone nowadays, and we…I don't even know what I've done." She gave him another glare and then seemed to be straightening herself out.

"I'm sorry Harper," she stated unconvincingly, "I'll try to be better in the future." He didn't buy it, especially as she was still doing something else while talking to him.

"Beka, you can tell me," he pleaded. She ignored him, staying silent, which just convinced him there was something going on, and it was bad. He collected all the courage he could muster, and stated; "Fine. But I'm not leaving until you tell me." She gave him a surprised look, but it quickly changed into something…completely new. Not like the old Beka, and not even like this new, unfamiliar Beka. She lunged for him.

He prepared to counter off her attack, but found to his surprise that his assumptions were wrong. She pushed him up against the wall and pressed her lips against his, forcing her tongue in between his teeth. Harper was shocked. He wanted to believe that maybe, just maybe, she'd been weird because she'd been wanting to do this, but not dared? It was stupid, he knew it. No way could that be true, but he wanted to believe it. It would be easy and it would mean things would be ok. But he knew that wasn't it, it was way too far-fetched. He wasn't sure why she was doing what she was doing, and no matter how much he'd fantasised about this happening, it was wrong. With much regret, he pushed her away, preparing to tell her how he felt.

However, before he could say anything, Beka had slid her top off, and Harper was only human after all. As she pushed him onto a bunk and followed in quick succession, all thoughts of right and wrong had already gone out an airlock.

"Beka, I…" He trailed off, unsure of what to say what needed to be said. With a strange feeling of déjà vu, he saw her turning towards him with an uncertain smile. Not the corrupted, possessed Beka anymore, but still…it was ever so awkward. He tried giving her a small smile, though inside, he was crying. What had happened between them? Ok, so he knew what had happened, but why couldn't they go back to the way things were?

"I think I know what you've come here to ask," she said quietly. "Did I say all those things, or was it the abyss?" She sighed. "I wish I could say it was entirely the abyss, but I can't." He frowned. Had it been real? "I wasn't in control of what happened," she continued, "but the abyss was trying to react how I would have reacted, so in that way, it was me. Yet…a lot of the things I said…I don't want to believe I'd ever have said them. Like to you. You tried so hard. The party, trying to cheer me up, and what did I give you?" Harper swallowed.

"But it wasn't really you though, was it?" She sighed.

"No. I was there, but it was more like watching another person. I thought my own thoughts, I saw out of my own eyes, but I didn't have control. Everything I did…it was as if I was a puppet and someone was pulling the strings. It was so hard, just seeing myself hurting all of you so much and not being able to do anything about it." He saw her wiping away a tear, and wasn't sure whether to ask. She hadn't mentioned anything about that night when they…did that mean she couldn't remember? He wasn't sure what to do. He wanted to bring it up, but if she didn't remember it at all, wouldn't that just be making things worse? She seemed to be reading his mind and gave him a sad smile.

"I know what you're thinking," she sighed, "do I remember sleeping with you? Yes, I do, and…I'm really sorry about that." She looked up at him with a trace of the old twinkle in the eye. "What I can't believe is that you did it," she giggled. He blushed and turned away from her, trying to hide his embarrassment. "I didn't mean it like that," she hurried to add, "from what I can remember, I was pretty…persuasive." He nodded.

"Yes, you were. But that didn't mean I couldn't have stopped it. I was…I don't know." He looked up, his eyes pleading for her to shrug it off. She gave him a nervous smile.

"Yeah, I guess something inside me might have…let's just forget about it, shall we?" He plastered a smile on and turned to leave.

"Yeah…yeah, let's." He started walking off, trying his hardest to feel happy. It was what he had wanted, wasn't it? He blinked away tears trying to surface behind his eyes. It was the right thing, it was what he had hoped for. Everything could go back to normal.

So why did it feel so wrong?

The End


End file.
